So its been almost two months since I moved to Orangevale (Sacramento Area), it has been interesting to see how God has grown and changed me in the last few years.
This transition has not been with out its challenges, the week before I moved I was in a car accident and my car was totalled, this was after having the first few weeks of September that were terrible. I just kept asking God when it will be over and yet it still has not seemed to have come to an end. I keep trusting God that he will continue to just allow me to see his hand in all of this, all the while I have doubt about all of this did I make the right decision, is this really where God wants me to be? I truly think I am in the place that he wants me to be but it still is a struggle, trust God seems to be the biggest lesson I am learning but I am also learning that I need to face of to some areas in my life that are not submitted to Him. I struggle and fight each day with giving these area of my life over to Him.
Where should i go from here
where is your presence
where is it that I find you God
How can i see you in the day
how can i find you in the night
Where can i go to your presence
I need your help Lord
I need your strength Lord
Allow me into your presence Lord
Let me be near to You
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Just for me
I am pretty sure that no one reads this any more if ever but if you do then great will you let me know.
Life if in the city, I have been in Oakland altogether for 2 years now, and I am pretty sure this has been one of the most difficult times in my life and will probable be one of the most difficult times. When I first came to Oakland for the summer of 07 I thought it would be a great adventure living in the city for a few months. But after being here I felt like this was where I needed to be for a longer period of time. So in November of 07 I moved to Oakland and joined staff with World Impact full time, which is when things in my life began to really change. Those first few months where so difficult, I had no friends, little money (it took a month and half for my first pay check from WI, because Hendrik didn't do the paper work) and no church to go to on Sunday’s. It was during that time that I began to have some serious doubts about my faith. I was very lonely; I missed my family and my Friends. Then in January my sister found out she was pregnant, I found a church home that had a great group of people like me (post college, starting career, not married). Things were looking up, when in February my sister learned that she had had a miscarriage and then they found a tumor on one of her ovary that was so large they had to remove the ovary. I was very distant from many of my old friends and still struggling to find my place in this ministry. I had applied for missionary staff and was a little unsure if I would be accepted, I had a lot of Credit Card debit, a car payment and school loans totaling $26,000 (thanks Simpson). Things seem to be getting better, my Sister was doing well; I was making friends at Church, interviewed in Los Angeles for WI missionary staff went well afterwards I got to visit with family for the weekend it was great to see my grandpa and my brother. I came home and two weeks later my grandpa went home to be with the Lord, I was so thankful to have gotten to see him one last time. He and my grandmother had been big influence upon my spiritual life they had prayed from my sister and me to know Jesus since we were born. I am so thankful for the lives they lived; while not perfect they loved the Lord and wanted him to be known. There have been so many ups and down with in the first six months of my moving to Oakland that I could not begin to describe how it has affected me and will most like not see the full effects till later in life.
One re-occurring tone in my life and walk with the Lord has been my need for companionship. I long for the day when the Lord will bring that person in to my life that he has planned for me. Yet having had this time with out them has been so difficult, living alone has been the hardest not having someone who I have felt I could share the experience I have each day to help me rest assured. I know that I need to be depended upon Jesus for that but I just pray that the Lord some day soon with provide for me a man whom I can care for and love, that will care for and love me. I try to put up this front of being able to take care of myself but I am not, I know that I should not be dependant on someone else to care for me but I just ask Lord that I could have some to help me feel secure, who I can care for and who will help me to understand your love better.
I returned from Candidate assessment and felt renewed and refreshed with a vision of what world impact was doing. However my dream and vision was quickly covered and tarnished with the bitterness that Hendrik holds for this ministry. It then became clear to me that I may either need to change cities or leave the ministry but I was not ready to give up on it just yet. So I began praying that I would be able to find away to make it work, to try and out last Hendrik. But over time it became more and more difficult I did not know what to do, in September I had meet with Stu, Sean and Adam and they asked me when I would be joining them. I laughed because I never really thought they actually wanted me to be a part of their team. I laughed because I did not think I was good enough. I laughed because I was scared. Time passed and I went to visit the Streeter they had begun meeting as a house church and this is when it truly sank into my heart that that was where I wanted to be. That all of this time my heart was just longing for that community again. But I did not know when the Lord would allow me to leave WI. I began praying and asking God when is your timing. Then in the summer I joined DC for their first per-launch Sunday gathering and my heart began to ache and yearn more. I finally made my discussion on July 6th as we sat in a staff meeting that morning I knew that my time with World Impact was done. I had commitment till the end of September but I would be done then. So here I am now just a few weeks from being done and my heart hurts and longs for this community here in Oakland to know the Gospel, but I know that my life here has not been in vain. I know that seeds have been planted and while I am not the harvester God is preparing another to come and reap what has been sown. This I have to trust him with.
When I moved to Oakland I knew that it was going to be difficult, but I just never truly knew how difficult it was going to be till having now lived it. I would never trade this time in my life for anything, but if there were some things I could go back and do differently I would. I would have stood up for myself more often and defended the things I felt called to do when I was shot down and told I could not do them. I would have made a more dilligent effort to control my finances.
This post has no real subject other then my thoughts
Life if in the city, I have been in Oakland altogether for 2 years now, and I am pretty sure this has been one of the most difficult times in my life and will probable be one of the most difficult times. When I first came to Oakland for the summer of 07 I thought it would be a great adventure living in the city for a few months. But after being here I felt like this was where I needed to be for a longer period of time. So in November of 07 I moved to Oakland and joined staff with World Impact full time, which is when things in my life began to really change. Those first few months where so difficult, I had no friends, little money (it took a month and half for my first pay check from WI, because Hendrik didn't do the paper work) and no church to go to on Sunday’s. It was during that time that I began to have some serious doubts about my faith. I was very lonely; I missed my family and my Friends. Then in January my sister found out she was pregnant, I found a church home that had a great group of people like me (post college, starting career, not married). Things were looking up, when in February my sister learned that she had had a miscarriage and then they found a tumor on one of her ovary that was so large they had to remove the ovary. I was very distant from many of my old friends and still struggling to find my place in this ministry. I had applied for missionary staff and was a little unsure if I would be accepted, I had a lot of Credit Card debit, a car payment and school loans totaling $26,000 (thanks Simpson). Things seem to be getting better, my Sister was doing well; I was making friends at Church, interviewed in Los Angeles for WI missionary staff went well afterwards I got to visit with family for the weekend it was great to see my grandpa and my brother. I came home and two weeks later my grandpa went home to be with the Lord, I was so thankful to have gotten to see him one last time. He and my grandmother had been big influence upon my spiritual life they had prayed from my sister and me to know Jesus since we were born. I am so thankful for the lives they lived; while not perfect they loved the Lord and wanted him to be known. There have been so many ups and down with in the first six months of my moving to Oakland that I could not begin to describe how it has affected me and will most like not see the full effects till later in life.
One re-occurring tone in my life and walk with the Lord has been my need for companionship. I long for the day when the Lord will bring that person in to my life that he has planned for me. Yet having had this time with out them has been so difficult, living alone has been the hardest not having someone who I have felt I could share the experience I have each day to help me rest assured. I know that I need to be depended upon Jesus for that but I just pray that the Lord some day soon with provide for me a man whom I can care for and love, that will care for and love me. I try to put up this front of being able to take care of myself but I am not, I know that I should not be dependant on someone else to care for me but I just ask Lord that I could have some to help me feel secure, who I can care for and who will help me to understand your love better.
I returned from Candidate assessment and felt renewed and refreshed with a vision of what world impact was doing. However my dream and vision was quickly covered and tarnished with the bitterness that Hendrik holds for this ministry. It then became clear to me that I may either need to change cities or leave the ministry but I was not ready to give up on it just yet. So I began praying that I would be able to find away to make it work, to try and out last Hendrik. But over time it became more and more difficult I did not know what to do, in September I had meet with Stu, Sean and Adam and they asked me when I would be joining them. I laughed because I never really thought they actually wanted me to be a part of their team. I laughed because I did not think I was good enough. I laughed because I was scared. Time passed and I went to visit the Streeter they had begun meeting as a house church and this is when it truly sank into my heart that that was where I wanted to be. That all of this time my heart was just longing for that community again. But I did not know when the Lord would allow me to leave WI. I began praying and asking God when is your timing. Then in the summer I joined DC for their first per-launch Sunday gathering and my heart began to ache and yearn more. I finally made my discussion on July 6th as we sat in a staff meeting that morning I knew that my time with World Impact was done. I had commitment till the end of September but I would be done then. So here I am now just a few weeks from being done and my heart hurts and longs for this community here in Oakland to know the Gospel, but I know that my life here has not been in vain. I know that seeds have been planted and while I am not the harvester God is preparing another to come and reap what has been sown. This I have to trust him with.
When I moved to Oakland I knew that it was going to be difficult, but I just never truly knew how difficult it was going to be till having now lived it. I would never trade this time in my life for anything, but if there were some things I could go back and do differently I would. I would have stood up for myself more often and defended the things I felt called to do when I was shot down and told I could not do them. I would have made a more dilligent effort to control my finances.
This post has no real subject other then my thoughts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Agh why
In the inner city one of the biggest issues that we face as we work with people here is Anger. Anger is such a hindrance facing many of the people that I talk with, meet with and pray with. Many times there anger is also what leads them to become addiction. Today we learn that a man named Chico was arrested last night, some of you might recognize his name, I have often talked about Chico and how he has such a great heart, he is always helping us out, helping other people. But Chico has issues with Alcohol; he also has an issue with anger. Chico had an argument with a couple of the girls that hang out on our corner a few nights ago and the story was he pulled a gun on them but he said “it legal, I have it registered.” Well last night something happed again and Chico ended up getting arrested, and Gwen on of the girls is now in the hospital with brain injures. The story on the street is that Chico hit her in the head and she is now in the hospital. She had to have brain surgery last night.
Chico has been coming to our bible study since we began it in the summer of 2007, he comes on Saturday mornings and helps serve at time. When we had the store Chico would help us out all the time. For a long time now we have been investing in Chico, seeing him as a person of peace, some one who had the potential of begin someone if he came to know Christ could influence many others. And now we have no idea what will become of Chico. It is so frustrating
Chico has been coming to our bible study since we began it in the summer of 2007, he comes on Saturday mornings and helps serve at time. When we had the store Chico would help us out all the time. For a long time now we have been investing in Chico, seeing him as a person of peace, some one who had the potential of begin someone if he came to know Christ could influence many others. And now we have no idea what will become of Chico. It is so frustrating
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Life in the Inner City
So this is how my day went, wake of 8 am shower take a little time to relax, read the word and pray. 10 am head over to the main center to start cooking a Thanksgiving meal for about 50 people. Prep Turkeys, put them in the ovens, start dough for rolls, mistake #1. I didn’t read the direction all of the and add to much flour, so I thought well I am going to double the recipe anyway so I might as well do it now. However I mistakenly use the tablespoon and not the teaspoon when adding the additional yeast. So at this point I say forget the measurement and I just mix it till it looks right. So I add more milk, sugar and butter and hope all goes well. And sure enough the dough turns out great the first batch comes out of the oven looking delicious. Then I go the fridge to get something out and realize that I forgot to add the eggs to the dough. OPPs! They still tasted fine so at least it wasn’t like they were offal. Cameron and I are cutting Celery and Onions, well if you know Cameron you know how this goes. Actually he only cut himself once but well let’s just say the onions were not so pretty. Boil water of Macaroni and Cheese (Homemade) it’s a traditional African American holiday/Church event dish. Luke starts the greens, again a traditional African American dish. Take turkeys out ahh they are a little over dry. Put the last two trays of rolls in the oven. Boiling 8lbs macaroni, finding a dish big enough for all it, melting 5lbs of butter, make roux for the sauce, 12 lbs of Cheese then realizing that Luke picked up “Imitation” Cheese, 3 gallons of milk. (We ended up making WAY to much.) And then at some point in all the chaos, I realize the last two trays of rolls are still in the oven, oh dang it they got over done. Then at 5 pm some one says something about Potatoes Oh shoot I forgot about the potatoes, good thing we were already going to do a mix of instant and real. Ginny (Luke’s girlfriend) starts pealing, Cameron cuts. I start making gravy, Luke is carving the Turkey. Open yams, find oven space, in the ovens, and then start cooking the pies. It’s after six at this point we are just waiting for the water to boil and Cameron to get back with the milk so I can make fake potatoes. Finally, it’s all done Yeah. Oh wait the salad, here cut the tomatoes, bell pepper, carrots, toss, Ok now it’s all done, Head in to give a little talk to every one about what is going, Oh and now Amanda is going to lead us in a couple of songs. So after cooking all day, I now get to lead song a Capella. Then it’s all over way to much food left, no one even ate pie. I was so thankful for the group here from The Oaks (the Oaks in World Impacts Camp north of LA) for doing all the dishes and helping clean up. Every thing cleaned up, then I realize wait where has my Purse gone to. Oh No please say Luke moved it in to the office. Nope it’s gone, and we are pretty sure we know who took, he gave Luke a problem. So now I have to cancel and re-order a new bank card, I am out the about $30 I had in my wallet, I have to get a new driver’s license, all my insurance cards ahhhh! I should have known better then leaving my purse out. So now I have to make a dmv apt. get a new pepper spray, replace all my chap sticks for some odd reason I had them all in that one purse.
I am really looking forward to having a few days off, seeing friends, seeing family. Days like today can be really great! But also make you ask God why he has called you to the City.
I am really looking forward to having a few days off, seeing friends, seeing family. Days like today can be really great! But also make you ask God why he has called you to the City.
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