Just for me

I am pretty sure that no one reads this any more if ever but if you do then great will you let me know.

Life if in the city, I have been in Oakland altogether for 2 years now, and I am pretty sure this has been one of the most difficult times in my life and will probable be one of the most difficult times. When I first came to Oakland for the summer of 07 I thought it would be a great adventure living in the city for a few months. But after being here I felt like this was where I needed to be for a longer period of time. So in November of 07 I moved to Oakland and joined staff with World Impact full time, which is when things in my life began to really change. Those first few months where so difficult, I had no friends, little money (it took a month and half for my first pay check from WI, because Hendrik didn't do the paper work) and no church to go to on Sunday’s. It was during that time that I began to have some serious doubts about my faith. I was very lonely; I missed my family and my Friends. Then in January my sister found out she was pregnant, I found a church home that had a great group of people like me (post college, starting career, not married). Things were looking up, when in February my sister learned that she had had a miscarriage and then they found a tumor on one of her ovary that was so large they had to remove the ovary. I was very distant from many of my old friends and still struggling to find my place in this ministry. I had applied for missionary staff and was a little unsure if I would be accepted, I had a lot of Credit Card debit, a car payment and school loans totaling $26,000 (thanks Simpson). Things seem to be getting better, my Sister was doing well; I was making friends at Church, interviewed in Los Angeles for WI missionary staff went well afterwards I got to visit with family for the weekend it was great to see my grandpa and my brother. I came home and two weeks later my grandpa went home to be with the Lord, I was so thankful to have gotten to see him one last time. He and my grandmother had been big influence upon my spiritual life they had prayed from my sister and me to know Jesus since we were born. I am so thankful for the lives they lived; while not perfect they loved the Lord and wanted him to be known. There have been so many ups and down with in the first six months of my moving to Oakland that I could not begin to describe how it has affected me and will most like not see the full effects till later in life.
One re-occurring tone in my life and walk with the Lord has been my need for companionship. I long for the day when the Lord will bring that person in to my life that he has planned for me. Yet having had this time with out them has been so difficult, living alone has been the hardest not having someone who I have felt I could share the experience I have each day to help me rest assured. I know that I need to be depended upon Jesus for that but I just pray that the Lord some day soon with provide for me a man whom I can care for and love, that will care for and love me. I try to put up this front of being able to take care of myself but I am not, I know that I should not be dependant on someone else to care for me but I just ask Lord that I could have some to help me feel secure, who I can care for and who will help me to understand your love better.
I returned from Candidate assessment and felt renewed and refreshed with a vision of what world impact was doing. However my dream and vision was quickly covered and tarnished with the bitterness that Hendrik holds for this ministry. It then became clear to me that I may either need to change cities or leave the ministry but I was not ready to give up on it just yet. So I began praying that I would be able to find away to make it work, to try and out last Hendrik. But over time it became more and more difficult I did not know what to do, in September I had meet with Stu, Sean and Adam and they asked me when I would be joining them. I laughed because I never really thought they actually wanted me to be a part of their team. I laughed because I did not think I was good enough. I laughed because I was scared. Time passed and I went to visit the Streeter they had begun meeting as a house church and this is when it truly sank into my heart that that was where I wanted to be. That all of this time my heart was just longing for that community again. But I did not know when the Lord would allow me to leave WI. I began praying and asking God when is your timing. Then in the summer I joined DC for their first per-launch Sunday gathering and my heart began to ache and yearn more. I finally made my discussion on July 6th as we sat in a staff meeting that morning I knew that my time with World Impact was done. I had commitment till the end of September but I would be done then. So here I am now just a few weeks from being done and my heart hurts and longs for this community here in Oakland to know the Gospel, but I know that my life here has not been in vain. I know that seeds have been planted and while I am not the harvester God is preparing another to come and reap what has been sown. This I have to trust him with.
When I moved to Oakland I knew that it was going to be difficult, but I just never truly knew how difficult it was going to be till having now lived it. I would never trade this time in my life for anything, but if there were some things I could go back and do differently I would. I would have stood up for myself more often and defended the things I felt called to do when I was shot down and told I could not do them. I would have made a more dilligent effort to control my finances.
This post has no real subject other then my thoughts